Thursday, 31 May 2012

My Mama said there’d be days like this

Next month it will be 2 years since my beautiful Mummy, Jenny, died. She died of cancer after fighting a very brave battle. She was truly a wonderful lady and extremely loved.
After she was diagnosed, naturally we became much closer. We appreciated our little family more, spent more time together and made some really great memories. She became my best friend, and not a day went by where we wouldn't have a jolly good natter on the phone.
I've realized just how incredibly strong, selfless and brave my mum was, and that's pretty inspiring. After we found out she was going to die, I only ever saw her cry once about it. She was the bravest person I know.

I have a great life, I am very happy, but that isn’t the whole story.
There isn’t one thing that has happened since Mum’s death, which I haven’t experienced through the harsh lens of grief. Every single experience, small or large, good or bad, is altered by the fact that I lost the most central and essential person in my life too soon.

The strange and painful truth, is that I think I am a better person because I lost my mum at such a young age. My grief has taught me so many things, it’s showed me shades and hues I could never have otherwise seen. It's shown me I have the power to withstand sorrow (we all do, though we may not know it yet). It’s forced me to grow up. It’s required me to suffer. It’s taught me to be grateful for people. It’s opened my eyes to see beauty in the most unlikely places.

Small things have comforted me… how much I love my mum, even though she isn't here. How powerfully I carry her within me. My grief is tremendous but my love is bigger. I’m not grieving my mum’s death because her death was ugly and unfair, I’m grieving it because I loved her truly. No one can ever touch that love, or alter it, or take it away from me. The beauty in that is far greater than the bitterness of her death.

It’s never going to be okay that my mum died, but I am slowly learning to deal with it. Whenever I start feeling upset, because I miss her, I remind myself how lucky I am to have had someone so special to miss. I've learnt that in life we will all lose so many things along the way. Losing stuff is just part of how it works.
If I could ever give anyone one piece of advise, it would be to enjoy people and enjoy all the little moments you have, because these are precious. You will find happiness in the humblest things. Try to make your world beautiful, that's our job while we're here... 



  1. I can't express how much this post means to me. I lost my dad 2 and a half years ago to cancer as well. You put everything I feel into words. They're watching us & I know it is hard, but we'll get there (:


  2. I've just found your blog and its beautiful. Amazing that you can write this to the world. Made me cry.
    I lost my granny (my mums mum) and its soul destroying watching your own mother hurt that much and you get a sense of what it will be like when that day finally comes for yourself.
    I know my granny is watching me right now and thinking about her everyday. It's comforting that i know she's there with me.
    beautiful blog, xoxo

  3. I lost my grandma to lung cancer when I was 10 yrs old, visited her every week, watched her body wither away & her skin yellow. She passed in January, was trying to hold on to see my niece be born in February. She was refusing to eat or drink & had to use a tube. The last night I saw her, the last thing I did was take her hand & whisper to her "Please let go." I hated seeing her suffer. The next day my mom got a call that she passed at midnight. I never shed a tear except for 1 time in my sleep. I was happy she was no longer suffering.

    Now, 2 years ago my uncle died of lung cancer as well. That was different. Harder. It was so, because I was closer to him & dare I say loved him more. The main reason it hurt so much was because we thought he was going to make it-the doctors, everyone did. He passed on my best friends birthday, August 10. It was the 10th or the 9th, we got the call on the 10th though. That day will always be bittersweet. I love him & I miss him & I try to think "what would uncle Dwain say" when I make a decision.

    Then on February 4th, 16 days before my birthday, my grandpa died on his 81st birthday of natural causes. I was just as close to him as I was my uncle.

    His last words were "Bendicion" which was something I ALWAYS said to him every time I saw him when saying hello & goodbye. It was a Puerto Rican thing grandchildren said To grandparents. A blessing. & he always said "Dios te bendiga" I was the only grandchild out of 4 who did that.
    I was also the only grandchild who didnt show up the night he died. I wanted to take my bf to meet him but forgot. :/ that's why it breaks my heart that those were his last words. He was thinking of me when he passed & I wasn't there.

    That's why whenever I think of my uncle & abuelito, I listen to "Second & Sebring" by of mice & men

  4. "I believe it's time for me to move forward when I break through. When I break through (when I break through) when I break through.

    This time I'll make you
    Proud to see me over
    Come on daylight.
    Proud of who you raised
    Your shelter, your peacefulness
    So this time I'll make you proud.

    Proud of who you raised up
    You know that I will
    Always be here 'till the end.
    Come back so I can say
    Thank you for this,
    Home cooked meals & a place
    To rest my troubled head when you're
    I've passed the test,
    I've made an A-Not just in school,
    But in life.
    You'll always be right by my side
    To help me show hope to all
    That are lost & sick in this dying world
    I'll use the love you Ieft behind
    I'll change their minds, I'll change their minds.

    I hope. I hope you smile
    When you look down on me
    I hope you smile.

    This can't, we won't know.
    I hope that I make you proud.

    This is not what it is, only baby scars
    (These baby scars)
    I need your Love
    Like a boy needs his mother's side
    (I need your side)

    This is not what it is only baby scars
    (These baby scars)
    I need your Love
    like a boy needs his mother's side.

    This is not what it is, only baby scars
    I need your love
    Like a boy needs his mothers side

    - "Second & Sebring" by Of Mice & Men

    Written by Austin Carlile.

    When Austin was 17 he was at work when he got a call from his mother. He was working so he let it go to voicemail. Later on when he was on break when he got a call from his grandmother & answered it. She told him to get to the hospital now, his mother was in an ambulance on the way there. The ladies at his work drive him, afraid he would wreck in fear.
    His mother had Marv's disease where you can't lift weights, can't ride rollercoasters, and it kills you.

    When he got to the hospital they he saw the ambulance. They were wheeling his mother out on a gurney. She was already dead. That was the last time he saw her.

    She died on the corner of Second St (or Ave idr) & Sebring Court. He wrote this song in her memory.

    I'll post a link so you can hear it. Only listen to the beginning through the line "your shelter, your peacefulness" & when you see the lines "this is not what it is only baby scars" til the end.
    You won't like the sound of the rest. I seriously doubt it. It's a lyric video so you can follow along. I think you'll be able to relate more than others.